Bears Are Fucking Sweet

Bears are fucking epic. I could stop there because anyone should be able to agree with this statement but just in case you don’t understand (this article is good to show to girls since they are primarily the ones who don’t believe in the awesomeness of bears; most men probably read the first sentence and went “FUCK YEAH BEARS.” Or they said “my uncle was eaten by a bear….I MISS YOU UNCLE” quit thinking about your dead uncle and keep reading already).

To show how much I love bears, I’ll write you a poem:

I love bears

You ask “who cares?”

I say fuck you

Go choke on a shoe

Because bears fill you with awe

If you see one’s big ass motherfucking paw

Those paws are crazy

This poem is getting lazy

In conclusion, I like bears a lot

They make me get all hot

Okay they don’t really get me hot. They get me horny, totally different. Okay not really horny, I’m just messing around… mostly. But I digress, bears are undeniably awesome. Pandas, one of the more docile breed of bears, grow to 250 pounds. That’s fucking big. Oh sorry I was observing my genitals while typing that last line, but the panda is pretty big too. The smallest bears in the world are Malaysian Sun  Bears and they suck and only weigh 110 pounds, but they’re from Malaysia so it makes sense that they’re skinny; they’re also very well known to be the most commonly anorexic animal species on Earth. But most bears are at least 200 pounds and weigh up to 1500 pounds. If you see a polar bear, you run for the fucking hills. Bears are killing machines. Even the tiny ones can rip your face off in a matter of seconds. What’s more deadly than a bear? Nothing. Unless you count the exotic species that I make up; in that case there is one deadlier opponent. Flaming bear androids with chainsaws are the most vicious things known to man (and by known to man I really mean known to whoever reads this and the group of close friends I have). They are also known as “doom bears”. If a flaming bear android with chainsaws was charging at me I’d shit my pants in about 0.0032 seconds, approximately. The only thing deadlier than a doom bear is a doom bear juggling chainsaws rather than just holding them like normal doom bears. I take that back, the only thing deadlier than a doom bear is a doom bear juggling other doom bears who are juggling chainsaws. Oh and the chainsaws are also flaming, naturally. Scary shit.

But anyway, bears are awesome. And you just read all that so even if you disagree, you had to read fucking all of that so if you disagree then HAHA YOU HAD TO READ ALL OF THAT YOU DOUCHE but chances are you agree that bears are awesome and I thank you for your support of bears everywhere.

Also check out this sick flowchart about bears: http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1809479