Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
Sports Hate Me
So I watch just about all sports and I follow many teams. But for some reason, all the teams lose and I’m 97% sure that they lose just to spite me. I could be wrong but when it seems like only the teams I like are losing, it’s hard to not think they just want me to hate them back or something. And no I don’t like crappy teams (but I suppose they aren’t good since they keep fricken losing).
TEAMS I LIKE:
FIFA World Cup: Germany
Premier League: Liverpool
Bundesliga: Bayern Munich
NFL: Seattle Seahawks
MLS: Houston Dynamo
NHL: Anaheim Ducks < okay they suck now, I’ll admit
NBA: Dallas Mavericks
College Football: University of Texas
College Basketball: University of Texas, Baylor
^^^^^^ Not bad teams, BUT THEY LOSE IMPORTANT GAMES^^^^^
Germany gets 3rd place at the world cup, yippee. Third place means “Spain beat us”. Third place isn’t a good thing. Third place is like being the team that lost the least (confusing I know). It’s arguably better than second, which is like going all the way to the finals and then ultimately losing, and not getting your 900 million Euro bonus for winning the cup (I’d cry).
Bayern Munich, arguably the best team in Bundesliga (German soccer/football), manages to lose with 71% ball possession, more shots, more shots on goal, more everything basically. Even if you don’t like soccer/football, I’m sure you understand the crapiness that is a team playing all together better than the other team, and losing 2-0.
When you make as much money as professional sports players, I don’t think making a deal with the devil to win all your games is too much to ask. If I had a $10 Million a year salary, I don’t think I’d care if I lost my soul to the devil after I died. It wouldn’t bother me after living in a castle made of gold and diamonds for like 50 years after I retire. And by retire of course I mean retire, join a new team, retire, join a new team (*cough*Favre*cough*) and then after I really retire I’ll get some show on MTV and NBC. Rough life. All that money.
In conclusion, my teams should sell their souls to the devil to win so that I don’t have to watch them lose anymore.
TEAMS I LIKE:
FIFA World Cup: Germany
Premier League: Liverpool
Bundesliga: Bayern Munich
NFL: Seattle Seahawks
MLS: Houston Dynamo
NHL: Anaheim Ducks < okay they suck now, I’ll admit
NBA: Dallas Mavericks
College Football: University of Texas
College Basketball: University of Texas, Baylor
^^^^^^ Not bad teams, BUT THEY LOSE IMPORTANT GAMES^^^^^
Germany gets 3rd place at the world cup, yippee. Third place means “Spain beat us”. Third place isn’t a good thing. Third place is like being the team that lost the least (confusing I know). It’s arguably better than second, which is like going all the way to the finals and then ultimately losing, and not getting your 900 million Euro bonus for winning the cup (I’d cry).
Bayern Munich, arguably the best team in Bundesliga (German soccer/football), manages to lose with 71% ball possession, more shots, more shots on goal, more everything basically. Even if you don’t like soccer/football, I’m sure you understand the crapiness that is a team playing all together better than the other team, and losing 2-0.
When you make as much money as professional sports players, I don’t think making a deal with the devil to win all your games is too much to ask. If I had a $10 Million a year salary, I don’t think I’d care if I lost my soul to the devil after I died. It wouldn’t bother me after living in a castle made of gold and diamonds for like 50 years after I retire. And by retire of course I mean retire, join a new team, retire, join a new team (*cough*Favre*cough*) and then after I really retire I’ll get some show on MTV and NBC. Rough life. All that money.
In conclusion, my teams should sell their souls to the devil to win so that I don’t have to watch them lose anymore.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
I Needs The More Blog Viewers
Even though this is a new blog, make sure to tell your friends/random internet acquaintances about it if you like it. Also, I'm showing technorati.com (check it out) that this is my blog by putting in the following code BA2P5374Q364 so that they realize that I'm not lying when I claim this as my blog, and more people will hopefully find out about this blog :) Anyway, the next post will probably be on how every team in every sport I watch hates me and loses just to make me mad.
Dear N Key, You're a Whore
Firstly, I’d like to make it clear that “N key” is in fact the n key on my keyboard and not some slang name or something. You know how “thugs” have like weird nicknames like “R Dawg” or something stupid like that? N Key sounds kinda like the worst gangster nickname ever. “Yo what up dawg? Mah name’s N Key, representin’” I imagine someone with the name N Key not being very threatening.
But anyway, my n key is a whore (as the title suggests). It works about 5% of the time. That was a made up statistic as I’m way too lazy to count the number of time I have to press my n key. Typing the word "none" becomes a challenge when your n key is a dirty whore wagon. It goes kinda like this:
“oe….hey that should have two n’s…*presses N key* *presses N key* *presses N key* *presses N key* *presses N key* *presses N key* noe…okay still needs one more n, *presses N key* *presses N key* *presses N key* *presses N key* *presses N key* *presses N key* noen, crap messed it up *backspace* okay try again *presses N key* *presses N key* *presses N key* *presses N key* nonnnne….. ARE YOU F%#@ING KIDDING ME N KEY?” True story by the way.
The worst thing about your n key being a little bitch is that you can’t just type something and send it, you have to reread it and see all of the n’s you need to retry typing in. If you’re like me and have friends who are smart enough to figure out what you mean when you have typos, then you don’t need to correct the typos but at the same time you don’t want to look stupid and it’s like a matter of principle to not have THAT many typos in one message.
And then there are occasions where the n could be important and needs to be there. “I need razors” turns to “I eed razors” which could be interpreted as “I peed razors”. And considering I try to not talk about things that make it seem like I have some kind of STD, saying I “eed razors” would be detrimental to me not seeming like a man whore/sex addicted coke fiend. And I am definitely not a sex addicted coke fiend (Black tar is the way to go).
But anyway, my n key is a whore (as the title suggests). It works about 5% of the time. That was a made up statistic as I’m way too lazy to count the number of time I have to press my n key. Typing the word "none" becomes a challenge when your n key is a dirty whore wagon. It goes kinda like this:
“oe….hey that should have two n’s…*presses N key* *presses N key* *presses N key* *presses N key* *presses N key* *presses N key* noe…okay still needs one more n, *presses N key* *presses N key* *presses N key* *presses N key* *presses N key* *presses N key* noen, crap messed it up *backspace* okay try again *presses N key* *presses N key* *presses N key* *presses N key* nonnnne….. ARE YOU F%#@ING KIDDING ME N KEY?” True story by the way.
The worst thing about your n key being a little bitch is that you can’t just type something and send it, you have to reread it and see all of the n’s you need to retry typing in. If you’re like me and have friends who are smart enough to figure out what you mean when you have typos, then you don’t need to correct the typos but at the same time you don’t want to look stupid and it’s like a matter of principle to not have THAT many typos in one message.
And then there are occasions where the n could be important and needs to be there. “I need razors” turns to “I eed razors” which could be interpreted as “I peed razors”. And considering I try to not talk about things that make it seem like I have some kind of STD, saying I “eed razors” would be detrimental to me not seeming like a man whore/sex addicted coke fiend. And I am definitely not a sex addicted coke fiend (Black tar is the way to go).
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Don't Trust Boromir (original)
[Don't bother reading this if you have't at least seen The Lord of the Rings movies.]
I believe one CAN simply walk into Mordor. Who says one can’t? A lowly son of a steward of Gondor named Boromir. I believe he couldn’t be more wrong if he tried. He’s obviously lying through his teeth. Just take a look at the fellowship of people trying to go to Mordor. First, there’s Aragorn, a king. No big deal there, he’s just the kind of guy who beats up Nazgul (Ring-wraiths) for breakfast. Then there are the four hobbits. Yes that’s hobbits, as in Halflings. Some of you may be thinking it inconceivable; “Hobbits totally can’t simply walk into Mordor”. I disagree completely. I bring up the point that hobbits have the capability to outsmart dragons. Don’t believe me? Time for a history lesson: Bilbo Baggins (the first cousin, second cousin and adopted father of Frodo, the main hero of the fellowship) had an adventure that some people may call “epic” or “astounding”. You see, Bilbo didn’t kill a dragon named Smaug, because he’s to kind and malevolent. What he did though, he managed to steal from Smaug. In case you don’t know dragon lore, dragons hoard treasure like the Gulf of Mexico hoards oil. Smaug the Dragon was very smart and deadly but not smart enough to catch a four foot tall hobbit. Oh and Smaug, that’s spelled S-M-A-U-G not S-M-O-G. What kind of dragon has a misspelled name? A badass dragon; not some wuss How To Train Your Dragon dragon. Now if a hobbit can outwit a dragon then what’s stopping this fellowship from simply walking wherever they damn well please? A few Uruk-Hai (Orcs) and a few spiders, albeit spiders of unusual size. Those small inconveniences will never stop those beastly little Halflings. The trolls could be a slight problem for the fellowship of four hobbits, a dwarf, an elf and a human but no problem for a wizard. That’s right a full-fledged wizard. Gandalf, a true man’s man type of wizard. He has no scar on his forehead. What does he have then? He has more than just the standard wizard beard, he has a ZZ Top beard. He has a staff like all good wizards, no wands for this fine specimen of magician. And lastly, he has a pipe; the pipe isn’t necessarily magical, but it is manly. Not impressive enough? I guess I forgot to mention, this Gandalf character killed a Balrog! For me personally, this is a great feat. I don’t know too many people that can slay giant fire demons. He even died and came back to life. No he’s not the Messiah or a zombie, he’s just a pro like that. Clearly Boromir is lying. And you know what happened to Boromir? He died; which, unless you’re Gandalf, is quite problematic. And therefore, logically, all liars die prematurely. And dying is something I don’t wish to do because it is counterproductive to my “try not to die” policy. So, to make sure I don’t follow in Boromir’s footsteps, I choose a life of honesty. This, I believe, is why one can simply walk into Mordor, as long as one isn’t a liar; because liars die and therefore lack the capability of walking anywhere.
I'll be updating this piece soonish. I never got around to making it purty like i planned to.
I believe one CAN simply walk into Mordor. Who says one can’t? A lowly son of a steward of Gondor named Boromir. I believe he couldn’t be more wrong if he tried. He’s obviously lying through his teeth. Just take a look at the fellowship of people trying to go to Mordor. First, there’s Aragorn, a king. No big deal there, he’s just the kind of guy who beats up Nazgul (Ring-wraiths) for breakfast. Then there are the four hobbits. Yes that’s hobbits, as in Halflings. Some of you may be thinking it inconceivable; “Hobbits totally can’t simply walk into Mordor”. I disagree completely. I bring up the point that hobbits have the capability to outsmart dragons. Don’t believe me? Time for a history lesson: Bilbo Baggins (the first cousin, second cousin and adopted father of Frodo, the main hero of the fellowship) had an adventure that some people may call “epic” or “astounding”. You see, Bilbo didn’t kill a dragon named Smaug, because he’s to kind and malevolent. What he did though, he managed to steal from Smaug. In case you don’t know dragon lore, dragons hoard treasure like the Gulf of Mexico hoards oil. Smaug the Dragon was very smart and deadly but not smart enough to catch a four foot tall hobbit. Oh and Smaug, that’s spelled S-M-A-U-G not S-M-O-G. What kind of dragon has a misspelled name? A badass dragon; not some wuss How To Train Your Dragon dragon. Now if a hobbit can outwit a dragon then what’s stopping this fellowship from simply walking wherever they damn well please? A few Uruk-Hai (Orcs) and a few spiders, albeit spiders of unusual size. Those small inconveniences will never stop those beastly little Halflings. The trolls could be a slight problem for the fellowship of four hobbits, a dwarf, an elf and a human but no problem for a wizard. That’s right a full-fledged wizard. Gandalf, a true man’s man type of wizard. He has no scar on his forehead. What does he have then? He has more than just the standard wizard beard, he has a ZZ Top beard. He has a staff like all good wizards, no wands for this fine specimen of magician. And lastly, he has a pipe; the pipe isn’t necessarily magical, but it is manly. Not impressive enough? I guess I forgot to mention, this Gandalf character killed a Balrog! For me personally, this is a great feat. I don’t know too many people that can slay giant fire demons. He even died and came back to life. No he’s not the Messiah or a zombie, he’s just a pro like that. Clearly Boromir is lying. And you know what happened to Boromir? He died; which, unless you’re Gandalf, is quite problematic. And therefore, logically, all liars die prematurely. And dying is something I don’t wish to do because it is counterproductive to my “try not to die” policy. So, to make sure I don’t follow in Boromir’s footsteps, I choose a life of honesty. This, I believe, is why one can simply walk into Mordor, as long as one isn’t a liar; because liars die and therefore lack the capability of walking anywhere.
I'll be updating this piece soonish. I never got around to making it purty like i planned to.
The Beginning
In the beginning, there was just Taylor. And no awesome blog. But this sucked because Taylor says some funny shit. So Taylor created his blog of awesomeness. Then he talked about himself in third person in his first post so he probably seems crazy. Or crazyish. Perhaps half-crazy? Nah, totally crazy. But I digress. This blog will soon have a bunch of random things. I'm a very well rounded person (no i'm not saying i'm fat, jerk). The posts could be rants, satires,essays, etc. And they will go over a wide array of topics. I'll post links to funny videos, or good sites as well. And by "as well" I really mean: "when I'm uncreative I'll post something random so I don't feel like I'm being lazy and not posting anything good". If you have something you want me to talk about then let me know and... I'll think about it. Most posts will be comedic so if you see something that's "mean", get over it. See that? I was mean in my own example for how to deal with me being mean. Anyways, I'm gonna get working on some ideas for what to post and get a post out daily, from now on, hopefully.
Love, Taylor
P.S. Follow my blog and I'll follow yours :)
Love, Taylor
P.S. Follow my blog and I'll follow yours :)
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