Sarah’s escort this evening goes by many names. Beautiful. Stunning. Magnificent. Perfection. All these are commonly attributed to Taylor; Taylor being the ideal image of manly manliness. Taylor is an Ares with a passion for life, love, and the pursuit of happiness. In between his daily routine of bench pressing semi trucks and apprehending runaway criminals, Taylor enjoys long walks on the beach, gazing into the stars, and saving children from burning orphanages. Taylor is the treasurer of Fife High School’s Future Business Leaders of America club. Taylor is active in the political world, where he helps out politicians in their campaigns. Taylor speaks English and German and is currently learning French. Taylor was accepted into college in New York City within the first week of applying and received the Presidential Scholarship, but that’s not enough for him. He’s also trying to receive the schools Scholar Award Scholarship. After college he plans to attend law school and eventually hopes to become a very successful lawyer. After becoming rich he is going to buy a small township in the German countryside and plans to build a castle, to be named Taylor's Awesome Castle of Awesomeness. Please contain yourself from bursting into applause for the wonderful Taylor.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
My Biography
Sorry for the lack of posting lately, I've been quite busy. And lazy... But anyway, I was selected to be an escort at a beauty contest type thing and I have to write a short bio for them to read, so instead of being modest and nice, I was a douche. Here's my bio:
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Bears Are Fucking Sweet
Bears are fucking epic. I could stop there because anyone should be able to agree with this statement but just in case you don’t understand (this article is good to show to girls since they are primarily the ones who don’t believe in the awesomeness of bears; most men probably read the first sentence and went “FUCK YEAH BEARS.” Or they said “my uncle was eaten by a bear….I MISS YOU UNCLE” quit thinking about your dead uncle and keep reading already).
To show how much I love bears, I’ll write you a poem:
I love bears
You ask “who cares?”
I say fuck you
Go choke on a shoe
Because bears fill you with awe
If you see one’s big ass motherfucking paw
Those paws are crazy
This poem is getting lazy
In conclusion, I like bears a lot
They make me get all hot
Okay they don’t really get me hot. They get me horny, totally different. Okay not really horny, I’m just messing around… mostly. But I digress, bears are undeniably awesome. Pandas, one of the more docile breed of bears, grow to 250 pounds. That’s fucking big. Oh sorry I was observing my genitals while typing that last line, but the panda is pretty big too. The smallest bears in the world are Malaysian Sun Bears and they suck and only weigh 110 pounds, but they’re from Malaysia so it makes sense that they’re skinny; they’re also very well known to be the most commonly anorexic animal species on Earth. But most bears are at least 200 pounds and weigh up to 1500 pounds. If you see a polar bear, you run for the fucking hills. Bears are killing machines. Even the tiny ones can rip your face off in a matter of seconds. What’s more deadly than a bear? Nothing. Unless you count the exotic species that I make up; in that case there is one deadlier opponent. Flaming bear androids with chainsaws are the most vicious things known to man (and by known to man I really mean known to whoever reads this and the group of close friends I have). They are also known as “doom bears”. If a flaming bear android with chainsaws was charging at me I’d shit my pants in about 0.0032 seconds, approximately. The only thing deadlier than a doom bear is a doom bear juggling chainsaws rather than just holding them like normal doom bears. I take that back, the only thing deadlier than a doom bear is a doom bear juggling other doom bears who are juggling chainsaws. Oh and the chainsaws are also flaming, naturally. Scary shit.
But anyway, bears are awesome. And you just read all that so even if you disagree, you had to read fucking all of that so if you disagree then HAHA YOU HAD TO READ ALL OF THAT YOU DOUCHE but chances are you agree that bears are awesome and I thank you for your support of bears everywhere.
Also check out this sick flowchart about bears: http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1809479
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Rammstein
Rammstein is one of my all time favorite bands. That is evident by the fact that I’m wearing a Rammstein shirt and have all of their songs. All of them. One thing I dislike about them, THEY HAVE ONE FUCKING SHOW IN THE UNITED STATES AND IT’S IN NEW YORK. They couldn’t wait ONE year to go play there, since I’ll be living in New York in a year, ohhhhh heavens no they couldn’t do that so I could come see the concert. I feel so….unloved… but I still love you Rammstein, even if you don’t go touring in Seattle or Tacoma, even though you totally could and a bunch of people would definitely go see it… I’m not trying to subtly hint that you should come to Washington or anything like that at all…
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
flaming
now no one get me wrong, i love gay people; they're funny, have good fashion sense, and are relatively nice. some people are just flamers. if you're gay then you don't need to be a flamer, have gay pride, whatever, you wearing super tight neon green pants and a v neck shirt were the v is going down to below the middle of your stomch does not make you gay, it makes you a flamer. there's a definite difference. flamers are annoying and in general enjoy flaming with a side of flaming and in their freetime they go set libraries on fire with their massive flaming flames of flamey death. gay guys go gardening, clothes shopping, paint masterpieces, and then go and make a nice dinner. sir ian mckellen and neil patrick harris: gay. edward cullen and justin bieber: flamers.
how to rate a flamer: do they look gay? okay now if they look gay, compare them to this:
that's gay, you can tell by the pride and honor. and his huge muscles... i'm jealous. i'm also too lazy to work out so screw it. if the man you're trying to rate on a flamer scale looks like this then he is at a 5 out of 10 rating. 5 is the equivalent of gay, which is the last tolerable part of the scale. anything past 5 is flamertastic. now if the person you're rating looks more like this:
he's a flamer. 10 outta 10 right there. on a scale of 1 to magma, he is as flaming as magma. his prowess in flaming makes the sun jealous.
the only good flamers:
i hope this helped
how to rate a flamer: do they look gay? okay now if they look gay, compare them to this:
that's gay, you can tell by the pride and honor. and his huge muscles... i'm jealous. i'm also too lazy to work out so screw it. if the man you're trying to rate on a flamer scale looks like this then he is at a 5 out of 10 rating. 5 is the equivalent of gay, which is the last tolerable part of the scale. anything past 5 is flamertastic. now if the person you're rating looks more like this:
he's a flamer. 10 outta 10 right there. on a scale of 1 to magma, he is as flaming as magma. his prowess in flaming makes the sun jealous.
the only good flamers:
i hope this helped
Monday, September 20, 2010
Why Housepets Suck
This applies to cats and dogs as they are the most common housepets.
· They don’t shut the hell up. Ever.
o A dog’s mind: “HEY A PERSON BARK BARK FUCKING BARK…. OH HEY A SQUIRREL BARK BARK BARK GRRRRRR BARK… MY REFLECTION IN THE MIRROR I HATE YOU BARK BARK ABRK!!!!!!”
o A cat’s mind: “MEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW. (repeat infinitely) PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. ( also repeat infinitely)
· They poop and pee more than you do
· They shed
· They’re hyper as puppies, they’re retarded and angry as adults, and just when they start to calm down and be cool they die. Little fuckers
· They eat EVERYTHING
o My mother has a dog that thinks its own shit is quite tasty.
o A different retard dog of my mother’s once ate an entire package of fucking chips ahoy chocolate chip cookies. Those cookies were MINE. THEY WERE MINE, AND THAT BITCH ATE THEM. I hoped it would die for this blasphemy but somehow is lived through an entire thing of chocolate chip cookies.
· They attack me. Sometimes playfully, sometimes they want to eat my throat because they’re Rottweiler asshole dogs who think they’re better than me. They don’t realize I can kick their face quicker than they can jump on me.
· They don’t appreciate my stuff. In other words: they chew up, poop on, piss on, hide, bury and or do other annoying things to my stuff. You chew on my shoe, it means war.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Wallpaper Wednesday (Saturday Edition)
Consisting of awesome pictures. Starting off with something I made in photoshop because I was bored and then getting into actually awesome pictures.
Excuses
This post is dedicated to my excuses for not posting since Tuesday. It’ll start off with real reasoning and slowly fade into less important reasons and then fade into things that are completely fake. Let’s start with the excuses shall we?
1. Shit ton of homework.
2. College is hell
3. Finding a job
4. Cleaning house and doing yard work
5. Friend time is important since in a year I won’t see any of them for a long time
6. Extracurricular activities
7. Helping a politician friend with his campaigning
8. Being the treasurer of a club means I have to go do shit
9. Women
10. This goes along with number 9 excuse, bitches be trippin’
11. Wondering about life. (Example: Do I want a new girlfriend? Yes. Do I want to try to find one? No. quite the conundrum)
12. Starting a fight club
13. Learning Japanese
14. Discovering black tar heroin
15. Reviving a tyrannosaurus rex and naming him “Cuddles”
16. Inventing a new version of AIDS
17. Going back in time to kill Hitler
18. Becoming president of the united states
19. Becoming president of the world
20. Finding life outside of our galaxy and then becoming president of their world as well.
Can you distinguish the point in which I started making stuff up?
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Lazy Taylor Tuesday
it's like a tradition now. here's random cool sites. have fun.
http://loadingreadyrun.com/
www.thebluesmaker.com/
http://conceptart.org/
http://www.27bslash6.com/index.html
http://www.escapemotions.com/experiments/flame/index.html#top
http://loadingreadyrun.com/
www.thebluesmaker.com/
http://conceptart.org/
http://www.27bslash6.com/index.html
http://www.escapemotions.com/experiments/flame/index.html#top
Monday, September 13, 2010
Awesome Monday
Well I had a great Monday and I hope everyone else did as well. But that's just to start off this post nicely because it's gonna be a crappy post. I just got home and need to get crackin' on some physics and other homework so crappy post time is here. I'll just give everyone my thoughts on something I guess. Being "conservative" or "liberal" is retarded. Just be an individual who votes for non-shitty people. Because as shitty as all government is in general, it will be less shitty with non-shitty people in it. So go get into politics for like a month, look up the candidates, get to know what they believe in and vote for non retards. I don't expect any miracles but hopefully a few non retards are elected. If I typed something wrong in this then I'm also retarded and too lazy to read/spellcheck it.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Late Night Should Mean A Good Night
So, I usually believe that the later I'm up the better. But I have found an exclusion to this rule; when you're up til 5 AM editing videos. If I'm up until 5 AM I better be partying it up or be involved in some mega orgy (in which the orgy consists of several hot chicks and myself). Or I better be getting paid for whatever I'm doing because 5 AM is like $50/hour work for me. I want the money (pronounced: mun-ehhhhh) if I'm up that late working. Or if I'm up that late and just not having fun, also requires payment of some sort.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Space Pirates... In Space
That's what I'm working on with a friend right now and it's due tomorrow for a festival so not much else on my mind. So I will definitely post a link to the video tomorrow (unless God hates us and makes it now work, and if that happens...I'm be so pissed...). For today I will make another short topic. Debate it with people.
Logical sequence:
Man is logical
Woman is not Man
Therefore woman is not logical?
Go argue that shit with people. Because everyone loves arguing. If you disagree with me then you're arguing so you'll be wrong if you say you don't argue. Either way, I'm right. So accept the truth.
Logical sequence:
Man is logical
Woman is not Man
Therefore woman is not logical?
Go argue that shit with people. Because everyone loves arguing. If you disagree with me then you're arguing so you'll be wrong if you say you don't argue. Either way, I'm right. So accept the truth.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Why I Will never Get Married
Women suck. Case in point.
P.S. My ex-girlfriends are all retarded, pyscho, or lying whore bags.
P.S. My ex-girlfriends are all retarded, pyscho, or lying whore bags.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Being Out Of Shape Sucks
I’m just around 6 feet tall and weigh 140 pounds (63.6 Kilos). That poundage is pure fat. Ya know how I know I’m out of shape? Jogging half a mile makes my legs die. Not nice peaceful death either; I mean like “POWs in Japan tortured to death” death. It’s bull shit. I don’t have time to work out and the act of jogging itself seems to have no effect on my legs. Which is odd because I figured jogging was HOW you exercised, but my legs disagree. I can get abs in like a month. Get non shitty legs, probably take a decade. I don’t get it at all. I also don’t get how I’m not like 5 times my current weight. I eat soooo much and for the most part don’t do too many physical activities. My metabolism used to be like “You drank water and ate an apple? PLUS 50 POUNDS MWAHAHAHAHA!” now it’s just like “you ate 6 whole cattle?...what are you, on a diet or something? C’mon lightweight, eat more. Trying to watch your girlish figure?” Moral of the story: My metabolism is a bitch. Oh right and I need to get in shape. But that’s a boring moral so go with the first one.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Some People Piss Me Off
There are certain times when people just utterly piss me off. Usually I don’t care about anything. Like literally anything. Broken thumb? Okay whatever. New found love? Ight. Break up with new found love? … She was a bitch anyways. I’m like a robot pretty much. It’s nice. But then there are the people who are SO stupid that they manage to piss me off. Unlike the last post about stupid people who are just stupid and I can make fun of, I’m talking about people who are stupid and ungrateful little bastards that should just shut up.
First thing. GSA. That’s “Gay Straight Alliance”. It’s a new high school club thing. It promotes equality between gays and straights. Good message i can agree to. What I don’t agree to: When all the gays of the school take over the Diversity Club and TURN IT INTO the GSA. It’s retarded. It’s pretty much like they’re going “You’re a different color? I hate you. Go burn in hell, [insert offensive racial slur]. Oh you? You’re gay, I like you” It’s total bullshit. If you think that gay and straight equality is more important than equality in general, then you’re a total moron. Diversity club is an entity that should be respected. It promotes equality amongst EVERYONE, not just different sexualities. The GSA at my high school even had a picnic once. I like picnics. Picnics are nice. Problem is I’m not gay. That’s right, you HAVE to be gay to go to their picnics. I don’t see the “alliance” part of segregating out straights from non-straights.
Another thing that pisses me off: Religious intolerance of retarded proportions. A pastor in Florida is holding a “Burn a Quran Day”. Last time I checked “Hey, I’m burning your holy book.” isn’t the best way to become friends with someone. Oh that’s right, he DOESN’T want to be friends with the believers of Islam. Because there’s SUCH a huge difference between the two. The Quran = The Holy Bible + some random crap I don’t care about (I’m agnostic)-Jesus being Messiah, now he’s just a super prophet. Heaven forbid religions get along. I don’t get how people are stupid enough to fuck up their own beliefs. Every holy book says to love your enemy etc. It doesn’t say “be a dickwad, burn people’s stuff, and cuss them out because they don’t share your beliefs”. The guy is doing it to show that he doesn’t want a Mosque to be built at the sight of the 9/11 attacks. If some crazy Christian people went burning shit down because it’s against their beliefs, would we automatically think ALL Christians were evil. Oh right, it’s called Hitler, the KKK and a fucking TON of other groups that took Christian beliefs to an extreme, worse than Al Qaeda’s radical Muslim beliefs. Ever heard of The Inquisition? Now that’s fucked up. If you think 9/11 was bad then you need to grow up. Go live in Darfur for a week. If you can survive that long. People need to learn that all Muslims aren’t members of Al Qaeda. Let them build their goddamn Mosque and learn to forgive and forget.
Now I’m thinking of what else pisses me off….those are the main two things that really piss me off. People who are stupid and don’t understand equality and people who don’t even know what the fuck they’re doing. I’m agnostic and I know religion better than the majority of people I know. I can argue with people about the bible and they’ll be like “oh wow you know shit about the bible” and I’m all like “fuck yeah I know shit about the bible”. Paraphrased. I just don’t see how people can be so intolerant. I mean joking about that kind of stuff is totally hilarious but having solid beliefs that you’re better than someone of a different race, religion, gender, sexuality or nationality then you’re a moron. Sorry but it’s true.
“I'm not concerned with your liking or disliking me... All I ask is that you respect me as a human being.”
- Jackie Robinson
First thing. GSA. That’s “Gay Straight Alliance”. It’s a new high school club thing. It promotes equality between gays and straights. Good message i can agree to. What I don’t agree to: When all the gays of the school take over the Diversity Club and TURN IT INTO the GSA. It’s retarded. It’s pretty much like they’re going “You’re a different color? I hate you. Go burn in hell, [insert offensive racial slur]. Oh you? You’re gay, I like you” It’s total bullshit. If you think that gay and straight equality is more important than equality in general, then you’re a total moron. Diversity club is an entity that should be respected. It promotes equality amongst EVERYONE, not just different sexualities. The GSA at my high school even had a picnic once. I like picnics. Picnics are nice. Problem is I’m not gay. That’s right, you HAVE to be gay to go to their picnics. I don’t see the “alliance” part of segregating out straights from non-straights.
Another thing that pisses me off: Religious intolerance of retarded proportions. A pastor in Florida is holding a “Burn a Quran Day”. Last time I checked “Hey, I’m burning your holy book.” isn’t the best way to become friends with someone. Oh that’s right, he DOESN’T want to be friends with the believers of Islam. Because there’s SUCH a huge difference between the two. The Quran = The Holy Bible + some random crap I don’t care about (I’m agnostic)-Jesus being Messiah, now he’s just a super prophet. Heaven forbid religions get along. I don’t get how people are stupid enough to fuck up their own beliefs. Every holy book says to love your enemy etc. It doesn’t say “be a dickwad, burn people’s stuff, and cuss them out because they don’t share your beliefs”. The guy is doing it to show that he doesn’t want a Mosque to be built at the sight of the 9/11 attacks. If some crazy Christian people went burning shit down because it’s against their beliefs, would we automatically think ALL Christians were evil. Oh right, it’s called Hitler, the KKK and a fucking TON of other groups that took Christian beliefs to an extreme, worse than Al Qaeda’s radical Muslim beliefs. Ever heard of The Inquisition? Now that’s fucked up. If you think 9/11 was bad then you need to grow up. Go live in Darfur for a week. If you can survive that long. People need to learn that all Muslims aren’t members of Al Qaeda. Let them build their goddamn Mosque and learn to forgive and forget.
Now I’m thinking of what else pisses me off….those are the main two things that really piss me off. People who are stupid and don’t understand equality and people who don’t even know what the fuck they’re doing. I’m agnostic and I know religion better than the majority of people I know. I can argue with people about the bible and they’ll be like “oh wow you know shit about the bible” and I’m all like “fuck yeah I know shit about the bible”. Paraphrased. I just don’t see how people can be so intolerant. I mean joking about that kind of stuff is totally hilarious but having solid beliefs that you’re better than someone of a different race, religion, gender, sexuality or nationality then you’re a moron. Sorry but it’s true.
“I'm not concerned with your liking or disliking me... All I ask is that you respect me as a human being.”
- Jackie Robinson
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Stupid People
I love stupid people. I fucking love love love stupid people. You know why? Because they’re fucking stupid. Plain and simple, stupid=funny. Today’s edition will be a look at my senior year of high school and me making fun of the sophomores. I don’t know why but for some reason they’re a bottomless pit of idiot.
I’ll first explore the world of idiot of which I will be trying to help you observe. If I don’t explain the people, their level of moron could be so ridiculous that your balls fall off. Assuming you’re a male. If not… I don’t know why you’re reading my blog, it’s about me complaining about shit. That’s a guy thing. But anywho, onto the special children.
The idiots of which I speak include the following: wannabe scene girls, faggots, asshats, jocks, skanks, sluts, pricks, weed smoking ass fucks (I don’t hate all people who smoke weed, just these kids are goddamn obnoxious about it “yeahhhh dude you want some weed? You don’t, what are you a pussy?” No you dip shit, there’s this thing called I don’t wanna. Nothing more than that, just don’t wanna. Like I do want your house to burn down, but I don’t wanna do it myself. Queer.) I get off topic easily. Sorry. Not really. Where was I? Right, so they’re pretty much ALL as stupid as can be and think they’re sooooo awesome. Because apparently liking dicks in their mouths is cool or something.
I will now tell you the first day of my senior year. It was pretty much just making fun of sophomores and doing nothing in class. Which is a great day, by the way. You don’t even know.
Scenario 1: My friends and I are sitting in the cafeteria, also known as the breeding grounds of retards (Sophomores. Sophomores everywhere.), and we’re enjoying our lunchtime not really doing anything. We have an open seat because we pretty much have our own group and don’t want random people to come and bother us. Because random people suck. Anyway, so some random sophomore chick comes up and steals a chair. My junior year, the cute senior girls would come to my table for a chair and they’d ASK if they could take a chair. And after I was done flirting with them they could take the chair. They knew their manners. This little sophomore whore comes up and goes (this is in a snotty bitch voice) “I don’t care who’s sitting here, I’m taking this chair”. My immediate, out loud response to the girl: “CUNT”. Now all my friends acknowledge her as “the cunt girl”. Good name for her.
Scenario 2: I’m in my sixth period class and we aren’t doing anything strenuous in the least. We’re opening photoshop. Like legit, that’s what we were doing. The sophomores were too stupid to do what the teacher said. I don’t know how people can be that stupid. “WHAT DOUBLE CLICK ON THE PHOTOSHOP ICON ON THE FUCKING DESKTOP? NO THAT’S DUMB, THAT COULDN’T POSSIBLY WORK.” So the teacher says “Everyone’s screen should look like mine” and she was looking towards the group of sophomores in the back. Clearly she knew they were retards as well as everyone else in the school. Then she once more says, louder, “Everyone’s screen should look like mine”. I turn to her and go “Hey, remember, they’re sophomores. Use tiiiiiiiiiiny words.” She couldn’t help but laugh and the sophomores were too dumb to know I was calling them stupid.
Scenario 3(My personal favorite): There’s some kid throwing his Biology book on a wooden bench over and over again. Just picking it up and letting it drop onto it. Over. And. Over. Again. Then this random sophomore girl looks at him and is laughing because I guess he was the “funny guy” in their group (because we all know dropping books is funny shit) and she goes “What are you doing?” and I, with my super quick douche bag response ability, answer her question before he does; I go “HE’S BEING A FAGGOT”.
There’s a 99.785% chance that I’ll make another post on stupid people. There are a lot of them after all.
I’ll first explore the world of idiot of which I will be trying to help you observe. If I don’t explain the people, their level of moron could be so ridiculous that your balls fall off. Assuming you’re a male. If not… I don’t know why you’re reading my blog, it’s about me complaining about shit. That’s a guy thing. But anywho, onto the special children.
The idiots of which I speak include the following: wannabe scene girls, faggots, asshats, jocks, skanks, sluts, pricks, weed smoking ass fucks (I don’t hate all people who smoke weed, just these kids are goddamn obnoxious about it “yeahhhh dude you want some weed? You don’t, what are you a pussy?” No you dip shit, there’s this thing called I don’t wanna. Nothing more than that, just don’t wanna. Like I do want your house to burn down, but I don’t wanna do it myself. Queer.) I get off topic easily. Sorry. Not really. Where was I? Right, so they’re pretty much ALL as stupid as can be and think they’re sooooo awesome. Because apparently liking dicks in their mouths is cool or something.
I will now tell you the first day of my senior year. It was pretty much just making fun of sophomores and doing nothing in class. Which is a great day, by the way. You don’t even know.
Scenario 1: My friends and I are sitting in the cafeteria, also known as the breeding grounds of retards (Sophomores. Sophomores everywhere.), and we’re enjoying our lunchtime not really doing anything. We have an open seat because we pretty much have our own group and don’t want random people to come and bother us. Because random people suck. Anyway, so some random sophomore chick comes up and steals a chair. My junior year, the cute senior girls would come to my table for a chair and they’d ASK if they could take a chair. And after I was done flirting with them they could take the chair. They knew their manners. This little sophomore whore comes up and goes (this is in a snotty bitch voice) “I don’t care who’s sitting here, I’m taking this chair”. My immediate, out loud response to the girl: “CUNT”. Now all my friends acknowledge her as “the cunt girl”. Good name for her.
Scenario 2: I’m in my sixth period class and we aren’t doing anything strenuous in the least. We’re opening photoshop. Like legit, that’s what we were doing. The sophomores were too stupid to do what the teacher said. I don’t know how people can be that stupid. “WHAT DOUBLE CLICK ON THE PHOTOSHOP ICON ON THE FUCKING DESKTOP? NO THAT’S DUMB, THAT COULDN’T POSSIBLY WORK.” So the teacher says “Everyone’s screen should look like mine” and she was looking towards the group of sophomores in the back. Clearly she knew they were retards as well as everyone else in the school. Then she once more says, louder, “Everyone’s screen should look like mine”. I turn to her and go “Hey, remember, they’re sophomores. Use tiiiiiiiiiiny words.” She couldn’t help but laugh and the sophomores were too dumb to know I was calling them stupid.
Scenario 3(My personal favorite): There’s some kid throwing his Biology book on a wooden bench over and over again. Just picking it up and letting it drop onto it. Over. And. Over. Again. Then this random sophomore girl looks at him and is laughing because I guess he was the “funny guy” in their group (because we all know dropping books is funny shit) and she goes “What are you doing?” and I, with my super quick douche bag response ability, answer her question before he does; I go “HE’S BEING A FAGGOT”.
There’s a 99.785% chance that I’ll make another post on stupid people. There are a lot of them after all.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Glow Stick War
This game is simple and amazing. One could say it's "simply amazing". Yeah, bad jokes, get over it. What you need: glow sticks, friends, a large field or playing area (you could do it in a house or similair structure if you wanted to), friends who don't cheat at games. It's better to also have thin clothes on. Or be naked. Whatever our friends are comfortable with.
Just go to the dollar store or any random grocery store that sells packags of glow sticks. Divide the glow sticks evenly amongst everyone. Get every standing back to back in the middle of the playing field and take ten (or whatever you want number of) steps and then turn. Now it's a free for all. You throw the glow sticks at each other, they hit you and you're dead. Glow sticks are oddly aerodinamic and are like fricken kunai knifes. Shit's so epic. You can even use the little joiner things and put two together into a halo shape and throw those frisbee style.
Now you may be asking "why not just throw sticks at each other or something of a similair shape?", my rebuttal "shut up." If you don't already understand why it's awesome then I'm scared you may have a small problem with darwinism... sorry, you may have to die off for the better of the human race. Din't have kids either. We don't want your genes. Why Glow Stick Wars is legit: YOU THROW AROUND GLOWSTICKS IN THE DARK. How is that NOT fun?? The best strategy is to just dodge all the glowsticks and pick them up so you have a shit ton of em and then go and throw a rainbow death blast of glowing awesomeness at someones face.
Also, I made sure to not mention the word "dark" until the last paragraph because I assume it's implied that using glow sticks requires darkness for full effect. But then I decided to mention it in case someone who's a bit slow found this and couldn't figure it out themselves. Takin precautions.
Just go to the dollar store or any random grocery store that sells packags of glow sticks. Divide the glow sticks evenly amongst everyone. Get every standing back to back in the middle of the playing field and take ten (or whatever you want number of) steps and then turn. Now it's a free for all. You throw the glow sticks at each other, they hit you and you're dead. Glow sticks are oddly aerodinamic and are like fricken kunai knifes. Shit's so epic. You can even use the little joiner things and put two together into a halo shape and throw those frisbee style.
Now you may be asking "why not just throw sticks at each other or something of a similair shape?", my rebuttal "shut up." If you don't already understand why it's awesome then I'm scared you may have a small problem with darwinism... sorry, you may have to die off for the better of the human race. Din't have kids either. We don't want your genes. Why Glow Stick Wars is legit: YOU THROW AROUND GLOWSTICKS IN THE DARK. How is that NOT fun?? The best strategy is to just dodge all the glowsticks and pick them up so you have a shit ton of em and then go and throw a rainbow death blast of glowing awesomeness at someones face.
Also, I made sure to not mention the word "dark" until the last paragraph because I assume it's implied that using glow sticks requires darkness for full effect. But then I decided to mention it in case someone who's a bit slow found this and couldn't figure it out themselves. Takin precautions.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Oops, i forgot to post on saturday
totally forgot to post on saturday. i was too busy sitting on a couch with friends nd having glow stick wars (possibly my new favorite game, description tomorrow). so this is my make up post since i wanted it to be daily posts. well today i have for you a challenge.
TACO BELL CHALLENGE
1) get your good friends together
2) go to taco bell (obviously)
3) order as many tacos as possible that you think you can all eat and divide them evenly amongst yourselves.
sidenote: my taco bell has some new thing called something like "taco party box" or something, 12 tacos for $10, so we ordered a few of those and the people in the kirtchen were like "WTF REALLY?". we apologized to them and then thanked them for making us so many tacos. be gracious to your taco bell workers!!! unless they're dickwads then you should go cause hell for them if you want, but i digress.
4) everyone start eating at the same time and the first person to eat all of their tacos is the winner, but it's also better if you take the time to put sauce on your tacos. if you can eat all of yours first AND manage to put sauce on all of them then you're a boss. and don't be light on the sauce. put a hefty amount of fire sauce on each.
5) whoever gets first place must high five the person who gets second place.
6) make sure to take a picture of your giant stack of crumpled up taco wrappers and post it to facebook or something.
7) do again next weekend.
8) repeat.
TACO BELL CHALLENGE
1) get your good friends together
2) go to taco bell (obviously)
3) order as many tacos as possible that you think you can all eat and divide them evenly amongst yourselves.
sidenote: my taco bell has some new thing called something like "taco party box" or something, 12 tacos for $10, so we ordered a few of those and the people in the kirtchen were like "WTF REALLY?". we apologized to them and then thanked them for making us so many tacos. be gracious to your taco bell workers!!! unless they're dickwads then you should go cause hell for them if you want, but i digress.
4) everyone start eating at the same time and the first person to eat all of their tacos is the winner, but it's also better if you take the time to put sauce on your tacos. if you can eat all of yours first AND manage to put sauce on all of them then you're a boss. and don't be light on the sauce. put a hefty amount of fire sauce on each.
5) whoever gets first place must high five the person who gets second place.
6) make sure to take a picture of your giant stack of crumpled up taco wrappers and post it to facebook or something.
7) do again next weekend.
8) repeat.
Crazy Antics Story of Pure Awesomeness
So I’ll start off by saying, I have no clue how many people have ever gotten to find a couch on the side of the road, carried it to an intersection and sat on it with your friends and waved at people, but just to let you know it’s awesome.
So I’m hanging out with my friends and we were playing cards for like an hour or two and we started to get bored so we decide to just drive around a little bit. We go down a street that one of our friends lives on for no real reason and all of a sudden someone yells “COUCH!” and then everyone immediately is in “let’s go do stupid stuff with a couch” mode. Ever been in that mode before? It’s like an orgasm but better.
We go back and see this couch that someone wants to get rid of and we’re thinking if they don’t want it, we do. So we start off by figuring out what to do with it so we get out of the car and our friend drives off when we get out like a douche but we knew he’d come back in two seconds so we just sat on the couch and bided our time. When he comes back we decide to put the couch sticking out of his trunk and having it drag on the ground while driving while people were holding it. Difficult to do but it works. Then we thought the driver thought he saw a cop so we ditched the couch and hid it in about 7.5 seconds.
But it turns out a police car and an ice cream truck look exactly the same to my friend. So we start trying to get the couch back into its original position. At this point in time I managed to close the trunk when my friend was in the trunk, he didn’t like it very much but everyone else was laughing so it was all good. We drive the couch down the street and then carry it to a random intersection and just sit on it and wave at people.
People seemed to love us for doing this. I guess sitting on a couch is something heroic now. People were literally taking pictures of us and filming us. And waving at us and going “WOOOOH YEEEAHHHHH!” This fun lasted for probably an hour and then we see a cop car. And we have a discussion on if this is illegal or not (we had already thought about it but were like “nah can’t be illegal” but as soon as you see cops you have second thoughts). That cop car drives away so we’re fine… for now. Then about two minutes later a different cop car comes. This time it was a cop SUV with two police instead of one.
This time we knew it was for us. They drive past us and my friends think they’re gonna leave but I know better so I go “THEY’RE PARKING AT MITZELS… no one look back at them and just continue being awesome and don’t even act like you know they’re there yet” then they walk up to us, from the back of the couch and this is how the conversation goes:
Cop: soooo uh what’s goin on her guys?
Us: nothing, just chillin.
Cop: juct chillin?
Us: yeah just sitting on the couch and waving at people.
Cop: hmm…
Us: is this illegal?
Cop: ohh yeeeeahhhh.
Us: oh really? Wow we didn’t know…
Cop: how did you even get the couch here?
Us: we carried it
Cop: you carried it?
Us: yeah from our friends house, he lives near here.
Cop: …. I gotta admit, this is pretty cool.
Us: you want us to just take it back to his house or something?
Cop: yeah that’d be great.
Us: oh okay then. Seeya
Pretty cool cops. So we start walking and then one of my friends needs to throw some trash away so we sit down on the couch outside at taco bell for awhile while he throws trash away and then we needed “resting time” from carrying it. Then we keep moving before we get in trouble again. Then we decide that he said we couldn’t be on the sidewalk, not the grass.
So we put the couch on the grass near a Wendy’s and chill for a while, then the same cops drive by and two of my friends BOOK IT, and so the only people on the couch are my friend and I and the cops turn around and drive by, and over the loud speaker go “keeeeep movin, I wanna see you guys doin couch ups. Let’s go” and they just drive off after that so we COULD have just chilled on the couch again but we decided to respect these cops because they were so awesome.
So then we take the couch back to our friend’s house and put it in his garage. Which he will find out when he gets back from Germany in two weeks.
My friends and I are gonna be SO pissed if we don't get on the news for this. If all those cops that saw us and random people who took pictures and videos don't get us to be on the news, we'll be quite dissapointed.... and we'll just do it again.
So I’m hanging out with my friends and we were playing cards for like an hour or two and we started to get bored so we decide to just drive around a little bit. We go down a street that one of our friends lives on for no real reason and all of a sudden someone yells “COUCH!” and then everyone immediately is in “let’s go do stupid stuff with a couch” mode. Ever been in that mode before? It’s like an orgasm but better.
We go back and see this couch that someone wants to get rid of and we’re thinking if they don’t want it, we do. So we start off by figuring out what to do with it so we get out of the car and our friend drives off when we get out like a douche but we knew he’d come back in two seconds so we just sat on the couch and bided our time. When he comes back we decide to put the couch sticking out of his trunk and having it drag on the ground while driving while people were holding it. Difficult to do but it works. Then we thought the driver thought he saw a cop so we ditched the couch and hid it in about 7.5 seconds.
But it turns out a police car and an ice cream truck look exactly the same to my friend. So we start trying to get the couch back into its original position. At this point in time I managed to close the trunk when my friend was in the trunk, he didn’t like it very much but everyone else was laughing so it was all good. We drive the couch down the street and then carry it to a random intersection and just sit on it and wave at people.
People seemed to love us for doing this. I guess sitting on a couch is something heroic now. People were literally taking pictures of us and filming us. And waving at us and going “WOOOOH YEEEAHHHHH!” This fun lasted for probably an hour and then we see a cop car. And we have a discussion on if this is illegal or not (we had already thought about it but were like “nah can’t be illegal” but as soon as you see cops you have second thoughts). That cop car drives away so we’re fine… for now. Then about two minutes later a different cop car comes. This time it was a cop SUV with two police instead of one.
This time we knew it was for us. They drive past us and my friends think they’re gonna leave but I know better so I go “THEY’RE PARKING AT MITZELS… no one look back at them and just continue being awesome and don’t even act like you know they’re there yet” then they walk up to us, from the back of the couch and this is how the conversation goes:
Cop: soooo uh what’s goin on her guys?
Us: nothing, just chillin.
Cop: juct chillin?
Us: yeah just sitting on the couch and waving at people.
Cop: hmm…
Us: is this illegal?
Cop: ohh yeeeeahhhh.
Us: oh really? Wow we didn’t know…
Cop: how did you even get the couch here?
Us: we carried it
Cop: you carried it?
Us: yeah from our friends house, he lives near here.
Cop: …. I gotta admit, this is pretty cool.
Us: you want us to just take it back to his house or something?
Cop: yeah that’d be great.
Us: oh okay then. Seeya
Pretty cool cops. So we start walking and then one of my friends needs to throw some trash away so we sit down on the couch outside at taco bell for awhile while he throws trash away and then we needed “resting time” from carrying it. Then we keep moving before we get in trouble again. Then we decide that he said we couldn’t be on the sidewalk, not the grass.
So we put the couch on the grass near a Wendy’s and chill for a while, then the same cops drive by and two of my friends BOOK IT, and so the only people on the couch are my friend and I and the cops turn around and drive by, and over the loud speaker go “keeeeep movin, I wanna see you guys doin couch ups. Let’s go” and they just drive off after that so we COULD have just chilled on the couch again but we decided to respect these cops because they were so awesome.
So then we take the couch back to our friend’s house and put it in his garage. Which he will find out when he gets back from Germany in two weeks.
My friends and I are gonna be SO pissed if we don't get on the news for this. If all those cops that saw us and random people who took pictures and videos don't get us to be on the news, we'll be quite dissapointed.... and we'll just do it again.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Can Movies Be Good Again?
Movies over the years have only become worse. It's sad when I have people telling me that Vampires Suck is "super funny". It had a 5% on rottentomatoes last time I checked and it's made by people who always make shitty movies. Therefore, it's PROBABLY another shitty movie. And yet people tell me it's funny. My explanation: Compared to other shit that's out, this shit makes fun of Twilight (a.k.a mega shit) and through some sort of craziness that I can't even explain, it is therefore not as shitty as everything else. To them at least. I have taste and refuse to lower my movie standards because people aren't producing actually good films.
The last world wide hit was a piece of shit (very very beautiful shit) called Avatar. Looked stunning but had the story of a Disney film. Literally. As soon as we get some worldwide hits that deserve to be hits, I'll be happy again. Okay I won't be happy, that's practically impossible, but I will be content with movies.
What really sucks: I've had a free pass to a movie since Inception (great movie) came out. I don't know why, but they were just handing them out to all of us while exiting the theater. And it expires in like 2 weeks. Still haven't used it because nothing good ever comes out. And I like having money so this free pass must be used before I spend money on a movie! So someone make a good movie in like a week and a half and get it in theaters. I will gladly spend my free pass to see it.
The last world wide hit was a piece of shit (very very beautiful shit) called Avatar. Looked stunning but had the story of a Disney film. Literally. As soon as we get some worldwide hits that deserve to be hits, I'll be happy again. Okay I won't be happy, that's practically impossible, but I will be content with movies.
What really sucks: I've had a free pass to a movie since Inception (great movie) came out. I don't know why, but they were just handing them out to all of us while exiting the theater. And it expires in like 2 weeks. Still haven't used it because nothing good ever comes out. And I like having money so this free pass must be used before I spend money on a movie! So someone make a good movie in like a week and a half and get it in theaters. I will gladly spend my free pass to see it.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Politics, And Why I Don't Care
How many people in the world complain constantly about politic? I'm not sure but I know enough of them to make me cringe when any political debate is on because I KNOW someone will be bitching about it the next day. I mean, if their points were valid or reasonable it'd be okay. But they aren't. At all. It's random blabbering about nothing essentially.
I have a friend who always always always brings politics into everything like it's some sort of messiah answer that works for everything. "Oh did you see that guy who couldn't drive? Musta’ been a liberal! (being totally serious)", my response: "HARDY HAR HAR(epic sarcastic laugh)". It's not even him trying to make a joke, that's the bad thing. I really don't care if you think someone fails at everything in life JUST because they have certain political beliefs. And by certain beliefs, I'm referring to what he doesn't believe in. Because apparently he's God and has the ultimate say that his beliefs are right and everyone else's are wrong.
The worst thing about having people that complain about politics is simply that they don't comprehend that you couldn't care less for what they're talking about. "Yeah dude so we elected Obama and he's gonna fix everything because he's black. Some people say he won't fix things and I'm like 'Dude are you crazy? He's like THE first black president ever!' Shit was crazy dude." Because once more, idiot super politics man has opinions that make no sense like race and gender affecting how someone leads a nation. And yes, the person was supposed to be a moron; so don't think I actually think that idiotic dribble(but if you liked that stupidity, you’ll be in love with the next paragraph).
And of course it's always bad when they have no clue at all what they're talking about. I mean with the examples before the people had at least a minimal grip on reality compared to the people I'm talking about. The people who just piece random crap together and call it facts. It's like taking 20 different puzzle sets and mixing the pieces together into one giant shitty puzzle of doom that looks like nothing when it's completed. "Oh yeah so I heard that Obama is a Muslim and that he was actually behind 9/11 and it wasn't really terrorists. It was actually a secret group of Muslims that wanted to blow up the twin towers so they could build a new mosque there because the Jewish guys who owned the twin towers wouldn't sell them the land. The Muslims were also the ones who really had the holocaust because they were mad about Israel, so they went back in time to get revenge" THAT SHIT PISSES ME OFF. If it was a total joke I'd be laughing as hard as possible but people actually say stupid stuff like that and think it's real. It's embarrassing how stupid people can be and I'm ashamed to live in a country where no one knows what they're even trying to talk about.
Then there are the people I like. The one's who know what they're talking about. They have firm belief in certain political aspects. I don't care if you're a libertarian or a conservative, or a liberal, a parliamentarian or a monarch, dictatorship- basically I don't care if you support something, as long as you support it because it's what you believe in, and you believe in it while knowing what you're talking about. I mean, I'm not a huge Hitler fan but if you believed in what he had to say then support him. Don't go "Welllllllll, I guess if Jim likes him then I do". That's not a belief in something, that's you just being a dickwad and acting like you know what you "believe" in.
The other people I like, people who openly don't care about politics. Politics isn't fun. Can't even argue with that; politics isn't fun in the least bit. And if I can hang out with you for a day and we never mention politics except maybe a joke or something like "Oh hey this person got elected" "Oh okay" (small talk basically), then you're on the good list immediately.
Even typing this wasn't fun. Stupid politics...
I have a friend who always always always brings politics into everything like it's some sort of messiah answer that works for everything. "Oh did you see that guy who couldn't drive? Musta’ been a liberal! (being totally serious)", my response: "HARDY HAR HAR(epic sarcastic laugh)". It's not even him trying to make a joke, that's the bad thing. I really don't care if you think someone fails at everything in life JUST because they have certain political beliefs. And by certain beliefs, I'm referring to what he doesn't believe in. Because apparently he's God and has the ultimate say that his beliefs are right and everyone else's are wrong.
The worst thing about having people that complain about politics is simply that they don't comprehend that you couldn't care less for what they're talking about. "Yeah dude so we elected Obama and he's gonna fix everything because he's black. Some people say he won't fix things and I'm like 'Dude are you crazy? He's like THE first black president ever!' Shit was crazy dude." Because once more, idiot super politics man has opinions that make no sense like race and gender affecting how someone leads a nation. And yes, the person was supposed to be a moron; so don't think I actually think that idiotic dribble(but if you liked that stupidity, you’ll be in love with the next paragraph).
And of course it's always bad when they have no clue at all what they're talking about. I mean with the examples before the people had at least a minimal grip on reality compared to the people I'm talking about. The people who just piece random crap together and call it facts. It's like taking 20 different puzzle sets and mixing the pieces together into one giant shitty puzzle of doom that looks like nothing when it's completed. "Oh yeah so I heard that Obama is a Muslim and that he was actually behind 9/11 and it wasn't really terrorists. It was actually a secret group of Muslims that wanted to blow up the twin towers so they could build a new mosque there because the Jewish guys who owned the twin towers wouldn't sell them the land. The Muslims were also the ones who really had the holocaust because they were mad about Israel, so they went back in time to get revenge" THAT SHIT PISSES ME OFF. If it was a total joke I'd be laughing as hard as possible but people actually say stupid stuff like that and think it's real. It's embarrassing how stupid people can be and I'm ashamed to live in a country where no one knows what they're even trying to talk about.
Then there are the people I like. The one's who know what they're talking about. They have firm belief in certain political aspects. I don't care if you're a libertarian or a conservative, or a liberal, a parliamentarian or a monarch, dictatorship- basically I don't care if you support something, as long as you support it because it's what you believe in, and you believe in it while knowing what you're talking about. I mean, I'm not a huge Hitler fan but if you believed in what he had to say then support him. Don't go "Welllllllll, I guess if Jim likes him then I do". That's not a belief in something, that's you just being a dickwad and acting like you know what you "believe" in.
The other people I like, people who openly don't care about politics. Politics isn't fun. Can't even argue with that; politics isn't fun in the least bit. And if I can hang out with you for a day and we never mention politics except maybe a joke or something like "Oh hey this person got elected" "Oh okay" (small talk basically), then you're on the good list immediately.
Even typing this wasn't fun. Stupid politics...
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Epic Wallpaper Wednesday
Today I need to go and be active do some sporting and I need to do some homework so I decided today could be epic wallpapers. I'll probably do this again some other Wednesday if the same situation above happens again(which it will). Enjoy. I'll get back to writing crap as soon as I feel like it, so don't complain. < Probably tomorrow will be a post onnnnnnnn (thinking) politics? Kinda. More like how politics suck probably. Seems like an interesting topic to talk about (thanks government class for making me want to talk about politics...)
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
Sports Hate Me
So I watch just about all sports and I follow many teams. But for some reason, all the teams lose and I’m 97% sure that they lose just to spite me. I could be wrong but when it seems like only the teams I like are losing, it’s hard to not think they just want me to hate them back or something. And no I don’t like crappy teams (but I suppose they aren’t good since they keep fricken losing).
TEAMS I LIKE:
FIFA World Cup: Germany
Premier League: Liverpool
Bundesliga: Bayern Munich
NFL: Seattle Seahawks
MLS: Houston Dynamo
NHL: Anaheim Ducks < okay they suck now, I’ll admit
NBA: Dallas Mavericks
College Football: University of Texas
College Basketball: University of Texas, Baylor
^^^^^^ Not bad teams, BUT THEY LOSE IMPORTANT GAMES^^^^^
Germany gets 3rd place at the world cup, yippee. Third place means “Spain beat us”. Third place isn’t a good thing. Third place is like being the team that lost the least (confusing I know). It’s arguably better than second, which is like going all the way to the finals and then ultimately losing, and not getting your 900 million Euro bonus for winning the cup (I’d cry).
Bayern Munich, arguably the best team in Bundesliga (German soccer/football), manages to lose with 71% ball possession, more shots, more shots on goal, more everything basically. Even if you don’t like soccer/football, I’m sure you understand the crapiness that is a team playing all together better than the other team, and losing 2-0.
When you make as much money as professional sports players, I don’t think making a deal with the devil to win all your games is too much to ask. If I had a $10 Million a year salary, I don’t think I’d care if I lost my soul to the devil after I died. It wouldn’t bother me after living in a castle made of gold and diamonds for like 50 years after I retire. And by retire of course I mean retire, join a new team, retire, join a new team (*cough*Favre*cough*) and then after I really retire I’ll get some show on MTV and NBC. Rough life. All that money.
In conclusion, my teams should sell their souls to the devil to win so that I don’t have to watch them lose anymore.
TEAMS I LIKE:
FIFA World Cup: Germany
Premier League: Liverpool
Bundesliga: Bayern Munich
NFL: Seattle Seahawks
MLS: Houston Dynamo
NHL: Anaheim Ducks < okay they suck now, I’ll admit
NBA: Dallas Mavericks
College Football: University of Texas
College Basketball: University of Texas, Baylor
^^^^^^ Not bad teams, BUT THEY LOSE IMPORTANT GAMES^^^^^
Germany gets 3rd place at the world cup, yippee. Third place means “Spain beat us”. Third place isn’t a good thing. Third place is like being the team that lost the least (confusing I know). It’s arguably better than second, which is like going all the way to the finals and then ultimately losing, and not getting your 900 million Euro bonus for winning the cup (I’d cry).
Bayern Munich, arguably the best team in Bundesliga (German soccer/football), manages to lose with 71% ball possession, more shots, more shots on goal, more everything basically. Even if you don’t like soccer/football, I’m sure you understand the crapiness that is a team playing all together better than the other team, and losing 2-0.
When you make as much money as professional sports players, I don’t think making a deal with the devil to win all your games is too much to ask. If I had a $10 Million a year salary, I don’t think I’d care if I lost my soul to the devil after I died. It wouldn’t bother me after living in a castle made of gold and diamonds for like 50 years after I retire. And by retire of course I mean retire, join a new team, retire, join a new team (*cough*Favre*cough*) and then after I really retire I’ll get some show on MTV and NBC. Rough life. All that money.
In conclusion, my teams should sell their souls to the devil to win so that I don’t have to watch them lose anymore.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
I Needs The More Blog Viewers
Even though this is a new blog, make sure to tell your friends/random internet acquaintances about it if you like it. Also, I'm showing technorati.com (check it out) that this is my blog by putting in the following code BA2P5374Q364 so that they realize that I'm not lying when I claim this as my blog, and more people will hopefully find out about this blog :) Anyway, the next post will probably be on how every team in every sport I watch hates me and loses just to make me mad.
Dear N Key, You're a Whore
Firstly, I’d like to make it clear that “N key” is in fact the n key on my keyboard and not some slang name or something. You know how “thugs” have like weird nicknames like “R Dawg” or something stupid like that? N Key sounds kinda like the worst gangster nickname ever. “Yo what up dawg? Mah name’s N Key, representin’” I imagine someone with the name N Key not being very threatening.
But anyway, my n key is a whore (as the title suggests). It works about 5% of the time. That was a made up statistic as I’m way too lazy to count the number of time I have to press my n key. Typing the word "none" becomes a challenge when your n key is a dirty whore wagon. It goes kinda like this:
“oe….hey that should have two n’s…*presses N key* *presses N key* *presses N key* *presses N key* *presses N key* *presses N key* noe…okay still needs one more n, *presses N key* *presses N key* *presses N key* *presses N key* *presses N key* *presses N key* noen, crap messed it up *backspace* okay try again *presses N key* *presses N key* *presses N key* *presses N key* nonnnne….. ARE YOU F%#@ING KIDDING ME N KEY?” True story by the way.
The worst thing about your n key being a little bitch is that you can’t just type something and send it, you have to reread it and see all of the n’s you need to retry typing in. If you’re like me and have friends who are smart enough to figure out what you mean when you have typos, then you don’t need to correct the typos but at the same time you don’t want to look stupid and it’s like a matter of principle to not have THAT many typos in one message.
And then there are occasions where the n could be important and needs to be there. “I need razors” turns to “I eed razors” which could be interpreted as “I peed razors”. And considering I try to not talk about things that make it seem like I have some kind of STD, saying I “eed razors” would be detrimental to me not seeming like a man whore/sex addicted coke fiend. And I am definitely not a sex addicted coke fiend (Black tar is the way to go).
But anyway, my n key is a whore (as the title suggests). It works about 5% of the time. That was a made up statistic as I’m way too lazy to count the number of time I have to press my n key. Typing the word "none" becomes a challenge when your n key is a dirty whore wagon. It goes kinda like this:
“oe….hey that should have two n’s…*presses N key* *presses N key* *presses N key* *presses N key* *presses N key* *presses N key* noe…okay still needs one more n, *presses N key* *presses N key* *presses N key* *presses N key* *presses N key* *presses N key* noen, crap messed it up *backspace* okay try again *presses N key* *presses N key* *presses N key* *presses N key* nonnnne….. ARE YOU F%#@ING KIDDING ME N KEY?” True story by the way.
The worst thing about your n key being a little bitch is that you can’t just type something and send it, you have to reread it and see all of the n’s you need to retry typing in. If you’re like me and have friends who are smart enough to figure out what you mean when you have typos, then you don’t need to correct the typos but at the same time you don’t want to look stupid and it’s like a matter of principle to not have THAT many typos in one message.
And then there are occasions where the n could be important and needs to be there. “I need razors” turns to “I eed razors” which could be interpreted as “I peed razors”. And considering I try to not talk about things that make it seem like I have some kind of STD, saying I “eed razors” would be detrimental to me not seeming like a man whore/sex addicted coke fiend. And I am definitely not a sex addicted coke fiend (Black tar is the way to go).
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Don't Trust Boromir (original)
[Don't bother reading this if you have't at least seen The Lord of the Rings movies.]
I believe one CAN simply walk into Mordor. Who says one can’t? A lowly son of a steward of Gondor named Boromir. I believe he couldn’t be more wrong if he tried. He’s obviously lying through his teeth. Just take a look at the fellowship of people trying to go to Mordor. First, there’s Aragorn, a king. No big deal there, he’s just the kind of guy who beats up Nazgul (Ring-wraiths) for breakfast. Then there are the four hobbits. Yes that’s hobbits, as in Halflings. Some of you may be thinking it inconceivable; “Hobbits totally can’t simply walk into Mordor”. I disagree completely. I bring up the point that hobbits have the capability to outsmart dragons. Don’t believe me? Time for a history lesson: Bilbo Baggins (the first cousin, second cousin and adopted father of Frodo, the main hero of the fellowship) had an adventure that some people may call “epic” or “astounding”. You see, Bilbo didn’t kill a dragon named Smaug, because he’s to kind and malevolent. What he did though, he managed to steal from Smaug. In case you don’t know dragon lore, dragons hoard treasure like the Gulf of Mexico hoards oil. Smaug the Dragon was very smart and deadly but not smart enough to catch a four foot tall hobbit. Oh and Smaug, that’s spelled S-M-A-U-G not S-M-O-G. What kind of dragon has a misspelled name? A badass dragon; not some wuss How To Train Your Dragon dragon. Now if a hobbit can outwit a dragon then what’s stopping this fellowship from simply walking wherever they damn well please? A few Uruk-Hai (Orcs) and a few spiders, albeit spiders of unusual size. Those small inconveniences will never stop those beastly little Halflings. The trolls could be a slight problem for the fellowship of four hobbits, a dwarf, an elf and a human but no problem for a wizard. That’s right a full-fledged wizard. Gandalf, a true man’s man type of wizard. He has no scar on his forehead. What does he have then? He has more than just the standard wizard beard, he has a ZZ Top beard. He has a staff like all good wizards, no wands for this fine specimen of magician. And lastly, he has a pipe; the pipe isn’t necessarily magical, but it is manly. Not impressive enough? I guess I forgot to mention, this Gandalf character killed a Balrog! For me personally, this is a great feat. I don’t know too many people that can slay giant fire demons. He even died and came back to life. No he’s not the Messiah or a zombie, he’s just a pro like that. Clearly Boromir is lying. And you know what happened to Boromir? He died; which, unless you’re Gandalf, is quite problematic. And therefore, logically, all liars die prematurely. And dying is something I don’t wish to do because it is counterproductive to my “try not to die” policy. So, to make sure I don’t follow in Boromir’s footsteps, I choose a life of honesty. This, I believe, is why one can simply walk into Mordor, as long as one isn’t a liar; because liars die and therefore lack the capability of walking anywhere.
I'll be updating this piece soonish. I never got around to making it purty like i planned to.
I believe one CAN simply walk into Mordor. Who says one can’t? A lowly son of a steward of Gondor named Boromir. I believe he couldn’t be more wrong if he tried. He’s obviously lying through his teeth. Just take a look at the fellowship of people trying to go to Mordor. First, there’s Aragorn, a king. No big deal there, he’s just the kind of guy who beats up Nazgul (Ring-wraiths) for breakfast. Then there are the four hobbits. Yes that’s hobbits, as in Halflings. Some of you may be thinking it inconceivable; “Hobbits totally can’t simply walk into Mordor”. I disagree completely. I bring up the point that hobbits have the capability to outsmart dragons. Don’t believe me? Time for a history lesson: Bilbo Baggins (the first cousin, second cousin and adopted father of Frodo, the main hero of the fellowship) had an adventure that some people may call “epic” or “astounding”. You see, Bilbo didn’t kill a dragon named Smaug, because he’s to kind and malevolent. What he did though, he managed to steal from Smaug. In case you don’t know dragon lore, dragons hoard treasure like the Gulf of Mexico hoards oil. Smaug the Dragon was very smart and deadly but not smart enough to catch a four foot tall hobbit. Oh and Smaug, that’s spelled S-M-A-U-G not S-M-O-G. What kind of dragon has a misspelled name? A badass dragon; not some wuss How To Train Your Dragon dragon. Now if a hobbit can outwit a dragon then what’s stopping this fellowship from simply walking wherever they damn well please? A few Uruk-Hai (Orcs) and a few spiders, albeit spiders of unusual size. Those small inconveniences will never stop those beastly little Halflings. The trolls could be a slight problem for the fellowship of four hobbits, a dwarf, an elf and a human but no problem for a wizard. That’s right a full-fledged wizard. Gandalf, a true man’s man type of wizard. He has no scar on his forehead. What does he have then? He has more than just the standard wizard beard, he has a ZZ Top beard. He has a staff like all good wizards, no wands for this fine specimen of magician. And lastly, he has a pipe; the pipe isn’t necessarily magical, but it is manly. Not impressive enough? I guess I forgot to mention, this Gandalf character killed a Balrog! For me personally, this is a great feat. I don’t know too many people that can slay giant fire demons. He even died and came back to life. No he’s not the Messiah or a zombie, he’s just a pro like that. Clearly Boromir is lying. And you know what happened to Boromir? He died; which, unless you’re Gandalf, is quite problematic. And therefore, logically, all liars die prematurely. And dying is something I don’t wish to do because it is counterproductive to my “try not to die” policy. So, to make sure I don’t follow in Boromir’s footsteps, I choose a life of honesty. This, I believe, is why one can simply walk into Mordor, as long as one isn’t a liar; because liars die and therefore lack the capability of walking anywhere.
I'll be updating this piece soonish. I never got around to making it purty like i planned to.
The Beginning
In the beginning, there was just Taylor. And no awesome blog. But this sucked because Taylor says some funny shit. So Taylor created his blog of awesomeness. Then he talked about himself in third person in his first post so he probably seems crazy. Or crazyish. Perhaps half-crazy? Nah, totally crazy. But I digress. This blog will soon have a bunch of random things. I'm a very well rounded person (no i'm not saying i'm fat, jerk). The posts could be rants, satires,essays, etc. And they will go over a wide array of topics. I'll post links to funny videos, or good sites as well. And by "as well" I really mean: "when I'm uncreative I'll post something random so I don't feel like I'm being lazy and not posting anything good". If you have something you want me to talk about then let me know and... I'll think about it. Most posts will be comedic so if you see something that's "mean", get over it. See that? I was mean in my own example for how to deal with me being mean. Anyways, I'm gonna get working on some ideas for what to post and get a post out daily, from now on, hopefully.
Love, Taylor
P.S. Follow my blog and I'll follow yours :)
Love, Taylor
P.S. Follow my blog and I'll follow yours :)
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