Don't Trust Boromir (original)

[Don't bother reading this if you have't at least seen The Lord of the Rings movies.]

I believe one CAN simply walk into Mordor. Who says one can’t? A lowly son of a steward of Gondor named Boromir. I believe he couldn’t be more wrong if he tried. He’s obviously lying through his teeth. Just take a look at the fellowship of people trying to go to Mordor. First, there’s Aragorn, a king. No big deal there, he’s just the kind of guy who beats up Nazgul (Ring-wraiths) for breakfast. Then there are the four hobbits. Yes that’s hobbits, as in Halflings. Some of you may be thinking it inconceivable; “Hobbits totally can’t simply walk into Mordor”. I disagree completely. I bring up the point that hobbits have the capability to outsmart dragons. Don’t believe me? Time for a history lesson: Bilbo Baggins (the first cousin, second cousin and adopted father of Frodo, the main hero of the fellowship) had an adventure that some people may call “epic” or “astounding”. You see, Bilbo didn’t kill a dragon named Smaug, because he’s to kind and malevolent. What he did though, he managed to steal from Smaug. In case you don’t know dragon lore, dragons hoard treasure like the Gulf of Mexico hoards oil. Smaug the Dragon was very smart and deadly but not smart enough to catch a four foot tall hobbit. Oh and Smaug, that’s spelled S-M-A-U-G not S-M-O-G. What kind of dragon has a misspelled name? A badass dragon; not some wuss How To Train Your Dragon dragon. Now if a hobbit can outwit a dragon then what’s stopping this fellowship from simply walking wherever they damn well please? A few Uruk-Hai (Orcs) and a few spiders, albeit spiders of unusual size. Those small inconveniences will never stop those beastly little Halflings. The trolls could be a slight problem for the fellowship of four hobbits, a dwarf, an elf and a human but no problem for a wizard. That’s right a full-fledged wizard. Gandalf, a true man’s man type of wizard. He has no scar on his forehead. What does he have then? He has more than just the standard wizard beard, he has a ZZ Top beard. He has a staff like all good wizards, no wands for this fine specimen of magician. And lastly, he has a pipe; the pipe isn’t necessarily magical, but it is manly. Not impressive enough? I guess I forgot to mention, this Gandalf character killed a Balrog! For me personally, this is a great feat. I don’t know too many people that can slay giant fire demons. He even died and came back to life. No he’s not the Messiah or a zombie, he’s just a pro like that. Clearly Boromir is lying. And you know what happened to Boromir? He died; which, unless you’re Gandalf, is quite problematic. And therefore, logically, all liars die prematurely. And dying is something I don’t wish to do because it is counterproductive to my “try not to die” policy. So, to make sure I don’t follow in Boromir’s footsteps, I choose a life of honesty. This, I believe, is why one can simply walk into Mordor, as long as one isn’t a liar; because liars die and therefore lack the capability of walking anywhere.


I'll be updating this piece soonish. I never got around to making it purty like i planned to.