My Biography

Sorry for the lack of posting lately, I've been quite busy. And lazy... But anyway, I was selected to be an escort at a beauty contest type thing and I have to write a short bio for them to read, so instead of being modest and nice, I was a douche. Here's my bio:

Sarah’s escort this evening goes by many names. Beautiful. Stunning. Magnificent. Perfection. All these are commonly attributed to Taylor; Taylor being the ideal image of manly manliness. Taylor is an Ares with a passion for life, love, and the pursuit of happiness. In between his daily routine of bench pressing semi trucks and apprehending runaway criminals, Taylor enjoys long walks on the beach, gazing into the stars, and saving children from burning orphanages. Taylor is the treasurer of Fife High School’s Future Business Leaders of America club. Taylor is active in the political world, where he helps out politicians in their campaigns. Taylor speaks English and German and is currently learning French. Taylor was accepted into college in New York City within the first week of applying and received the Presidential Scholarship, but that’s not enough for him. He’s also trying to receive the schools Scholar Award Scholarship. After college he plans to attend law school and eventually hopes to become a very successful lawyer. After becoming rich he is going to buy a small township in the German countryside and plans to build a castle, to be named Taylor's Awesome Castle of Awesomeness. Please contain yourself from bursting into applause for the wonderful Taylor.

Bears Are Fucking Sweet

Bears are fucking epic. I could stop there because anyone should be able to agree with this statement but just in case you don’t understand (this article is good to show to girls since they are primarily the ones who don’t believe in the awesomeness of bears; most men probably read the first sentence and went “FUCK YEAH BEARS.” Or they said “my uncle was eaten by a bear….I MISS YOU UNCLE” quit thinking about your dead uncle and keep reading already).

To show how much I love bears, I’ll write you a poem:

I love bears

You ask “who cares?”

I say fuck you

Go choke on a shoe

Because bears fill you with awe

If you see one’s big ass motherfucking paw

Those paws are crazy

This poem is getting lazy

In conclusion, I like bears a lot

They make me get all hot

Okay they don’t really get me hot. They get me horny, totally different. Okay not really horny, I’m just messing around… mostly. But I digress, bears are undeniably awesome. Pandas, one of the more docile breed of bears, grow to 250 pounds. That’s fucking big. Oh sorry I was observing my genitals while typing that last line, but the panda is pretty big too. The smallest bears in the world are Malaysian Sun  Bears and they suck and only weigh 110 pounds, but they’re from Malaysia so it makes sense that they’re skinny; they’re also very well known to be the most commonly anorexic animal species on Earth. But most bears are at least 200 pounds and weigh up to 1500 pounds. If you see a polar bear, you run for the fucking hills. Bears are killing machines. Even the tiny ones can rip your face off in a matter of seconds. What’s more deadly than a bear? Nothing. Unless you count the exotic species that I make up; in that case there is one deadlier opponent. Flaming bear androids with chainsaws are the most vicious things known to man (and by known to man I really mean known to whoever reads this and the group of close friends I have). They are also known as “doom bears”. If a flaming bear android with chainsaws was charging at me I’d shit my pants in about 0.0032 seconds, approximately. The only thing deadlier than a doom bear is a doom bear juggling chainsaws rather than just holding them like normal doom bears. I take that back, the only thing deadlier than a doom bear is a doom bear juggling other doom bears who are juggling chainsaws. Oh and the chainsaws are also flaming, naturally. Scary shit.

But anyway, bears are awesome. And you just read all that so even if you disagree, you had to read fucking all of that so if you disagree then HAHA YOU HAD TO READ ALL OF THAT YOU DOUCHE but chances are you agree that bears are awesome and I thank you for your support of bears everywhere.

Also check out this sick flowchart about bears: http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1809479

Rammstein

Rammstein is one of my all time favorite bands. That is evident by the fact that I’m wearing a Rammstein shirt and have all of their songs. All of them. One thing I dislike about them, THEY HAVE ONE FUCKING SHOW IN THE UNITED STATES AND IT’S IN NEW YORK. They couldn’t wait ONE year to go play there, since I’ll be living in New York in a year, ohhhhh heavens no they couldn’t do that so I could come see the concert. I feel so….unloved… but I still love you Rammstein, even if you don’t go touring in Seattle or Tacoma, even though you totally could and a bunch of people would definitely go see it… I’m not trying to subtly hint that you should come to Washington or anything like that at all…

flaming

now no one get me wrong, i love gay people; they're funny, have good fashion sense, and are relatively nice. some people are just flamers. if you're gay then you don't need to be a flamer, have gay pride, whatever, you wearing super tight neon green pants and a v neck shirt were the v is going down to below the middle of your stomch does not make you gay, it makes you a flamer. there's a definite difference. flamers are annoying and in general enjoy flaming with a side of flaming and in their freetime they go set libraries on fire with their massive flaming flames of flamey death. gay guys go gardening, clothes shopping, paint masterpieces, and then go and make a nice dinner. sir ian mckellen and neil patrick harris: gay. edward cullen and justin bieber: flamers.

how to rate a flamer: do they look gay? okay now if they look gay, compare them to this:

that's gay, you can tell by the pride and honor. and his huge muscles... i'm jealous. i'm also too lazy to work out so screw it. if the man you're trying to rate on a flamer scale looks like this then he is at a 5 out of 10 rating. 5 is the equivalent of gay, which is the last tolerable part of the scale. anything past 5 is flamertastic. now if the person you're rating looks more like this:

he's a flamer. 10 outta 10 right there. on a scale of 1 to magma, he is as flaming as magma. his prowess in flaming makes the sun jealous.

the only good flamers:


i hope this helped

Why Housepets Suck

This applies to cats and dogs as they are the most common housepets.

·         They don’t shut the hell up. Ever.

o   A dog’s mind: “HEY A PERSON BARK BARK FUCKING BARK…. OH HEY A SQUIRREL BARK BARK BARK GRRRRRR BARK… MY REFLECTION IN THE MIRROR I HATE YOU BARK BARK ABRK!!!!!!”

o   A cat’s mind: “MEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW. (repeat infinitely) PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. ( also repeat infinitely)

·         They poop and pee more than you do

·         They shed

·         They’re hyper as puppies, they’re retarded and angry as adults, and just when they start to calm down and be cool they die. Little fuckers

·         They eat EVERYTHING

o   My mother has a dog that thinks its own shit is quite tasty.

o   A different retard dog of my mother’s once ate an entire package of fucking chips ahoy chocolate chip cookies. Those cookies were MINE. THEY WERE MINE, AND THAT BITCH ATE THEM. I hoped it would die for this blasphemy but somehow is lived through an entire thing of chocolate chip cookies.

·         They attack me. Sometimes playfully, sometimes they want to eat my throat because they’re Rottweiler asshole dogs who think they’re better than me. They don’t realize I can kick their face quicker than they can jump on me.

·         They don’t appreciate my stuff. In other words: they chew up, poop on, piss on, hide, bury and or do other annoying things to my stuff. You chew on my shoe, it means war.

Wallpaper Wednesday (Saturday Edition)

Consisting of awesome pictures. Starting off with something I made in photoshop because I was bored and then getting into actually awesome pictures.

Excuses

This post is dedicated to my excuses for not posting since Tuesday. It’ll start off with real reasoning and slowly fade into less important reasons and then fade into things that are completely fake. Let’s start with the excuses shall we?

1.       Shit ton of homework.

2.       College is hell

3.       Finding a job

4.       Cleaning house and doing yard work

5.       Friend time is important since in a year I won’t see any of them for a long time

6.       Extracurricular activities

7.       Helping a politician friend with his campaigning

8.       Being the treasurer of a club means I have to go do shit

9.       Women

10.   This goes along with number 9 excuse, bitches be trippin’

11.   Wondering about life. (Example: Do I want a new girlfriend? Yes. Do I want to try to find one? No. quite the conundrum)

12.   Starting a fight club

13.   Learning Japanese

14.   Discovering black tar heroin

15.   Reviving a tyrannosaurus rex and naming him “Cuddles”

16.   Inventing a new version of AIDS

17.   Going back in time to kill Hitler

18.   Becoming president of the united states

19.   Becoming president of the world

20.   Finding life outside of our galaxy and then becoming president of their world as well.

Can you distinguish the point in which I started making stuff up?